LIB 10 is full of well-meaning tracts on how to deal with every aspect
of mortal management, but they're mainly theoretical in nature and do not
reflect how life really is "on the street." Here, then, is a revised set of
guidelines which are far more appropriate for today's wizzes dealing with
You are bored. A mortal in the game shouts something.
Pick the longest word in the mortal's shout. Substitute its first
vowel with an asterisk. Shout "Hey!!! <w*rd> is a profanity in
Korean!". Then FOD the mortal.
You are bored. A complete newbie enters the game for the first time.
Shout "You are NOT <name>!". Then FOD the
You are bored. A wiz mortal is playing perfectly legally, but
Shout "1000 points bonus to whoever kills wizmort
<name>!". Then hang up the phone.
A mortal is in LIMBO, and there is no wiz to be seen.
FOD the mortal. Post in SS10 complaining that people shouldn't leave
their litter behind when they leave. Then return to the game and re-FOD the
mortal, who will have come back and be complaining loudly.
An arch-wiz catches you FODding a mortal for pleasure.
Type a string of obscenities, using only your left hand (for
uncharacteristic typing effects). Hang up the phone. Come back an hour later
and feign surprise. Have the words, "I'll never let that nephew of mine
near my computer again!" programmed on a macro.
You are bored. A mortal has just fed the dragon.
Reset the game. If any mortals refuse to leave prior to the reset,
A mortal complains to you about your actions.
Speak to the mortal kindly. Point out that wizzes are beings of supreme
power, but that this power carries responsibility. Imply that there are
things which are going on behind the scenes that the mortal doesn't know
about, and which can't be made public because it would compromise game
security, but that if the mortal were privy to the same information that you
are then they would have done exactly the same thing. Then FOD the mortal.
You are bored. Two mortals are in the game with names that use
vaguely similar letters.
FOD one of the mortals. If they complain, tell them it was a mistake
and you wished to FOD the other mortal. Then FOD the other mortal.
You are bored. A wizmort is playing belonging to the wiz who was your
big brother/big sister.
FOD the mortal. When the wiz complains, say that it's their fault for
not teaching you properly.
The game resets without warning. A mortal complains that they lost
Patiently explain that they are paying for the privilege of playing,
not for the points. Suggest that they may well have died anyway had the reset
continued without crashing prematurely. Point out that if they had quit this
reset sooner, they would have saved a whole lot more points. Then FOD the
A mortal complains that they died because of carrier loss during a
fight, and they need a restore.
Restore the mortal. If the mortal gets lippy, then you can be sure it
was a fellow wiz or an arch-wiz testing you. If the mortal does not get
lippy, you can be sure that the mortal is a genuine mortal who knows
nothing of the precepts of the GWG. In either case, then FOD the mortal.
The legend you are testing is inexplicably able to perform the tasks
Set the task "kill a legend". There are 3 possibilities:
1) They fail. This is the desired outcome.
2) They succeed. Tell the mortal that they failed the morality test.
Then FOD them.
3) They refuse to perform the task. Tell them "OK, well I'll do it
instead." Then FOD them.
And there we have it! Twelve practical ways to improve your
relationship with mortals. If you follow these guidelines, you'll find
yourself right up there with those old-timer wizzes who have have so many
notches on their keyboard that they can saw wood with it.
Richard the arch-wizard.
[Note to arch-wizzes: you can adapt most of the above rules to your own
purposes, by replacing the word "mortal" with the word "wiz"]