SITUATION 1
          You are bored. A mortal in the game shouts something.
ACTION
          Pick the longest word in the mortal's shout. Substitute its first vowel with an asterisk. Shout "Hey!!! <w*rd> is a profanity in Korean!". Then FOD the mortal.

SITUATION 2
        You are bored. A complete newbie enters the game for the first time.
ACTION
        Shout "You are NOT <name>!". Then FOD the mortal.

SITUATION 3
        You are bored. A wiz mortal is playing perfectly legally, but undercover.
ACTION
        Shout "1000 points bonus to whoever kills wizmort <name>!". Then hang up the phone.

SITUATION 4
        A mortal is in LIMBO, and there is no wiz to be seen.
ACTION
        FOD the mortal. Post in SS10 complaining that people shouldn't leave their litter behind when they leave. Then return to the game and re-FOD the mortal, who will have come back and be complaining loudly.

SITUATION 5
        An arch-wiz catches you FODding a mortal for pleasure.
ACTION
        Type a string of obscenities, using only your left hand (for uncharacteristic typing effects). Hang up the phone. Come back an hour later and feign surprise. Have the words, "I'll never let that nephew of mine near my computer again!" programmed on a macro.

SITUATION 6
        You are bored. A mortal has just fed the dragon.
ACTION
        Reset the game. If any mortals refuse to leave prior to the reset, FOD them.

SITUATION 7
        A mortal complains to you about your actions.
ACTION
        Speak to the mortal kindly. Point out that wizzes are beings of supreme power, but that this power carries responsibility. Imply that there are things which are going on behind the scenes that the mortal doesn't know about, and which can't be made public because it would compromise game security, but that if the mortal were privy to the same information that you are then they would have done exactly the same thing. Then FOD the mortal.

SITUATION 8
        You are bored. Two mortals are in the game with names that use vaguely similar letters.
ACTION
        FOD one of the mortals. If they complain, tell them it was a mistake and you wished to FOD the other mortal. Then FOD the other mortal.

SITUATION 9
        You are bored. A wizmort is playing belonging to the wiz who was your big brother/big sister.
ACTION
        FOD the mortal. When the wiz complains, say that it's their fault for not teaching you properly.

SITUATION 10
        The game resets without warning. A mortal complains that they lost 2000 points.
ACTION
        Patiently explain that they are paying for the privilege of playing, not for the points. Suggest that they may well have died anyway had the reset continued without crashing prematurely. Point out that if they had quit this reset sooner, they would have saved a whole lot more points. Then FOD the mortal.

SITUATION 11
        A mortal complains that they died because of carrier loss during a fight, and they need a restore.
ACTION
        Restore the mortal. If the mortal gets lippy, then you can be sure it was a fellow wiz or an arch-wiz testing you. If the mortal does not get lippy, you can be sure that the mortal is a genuine mortal who knows nothing of the precepts of the GWG. In either case, then FOD the mortal.

SITUATION 12
        The legend you are testing is inexplicably able to perform the tasks you set.
ACTION
        Set the task "kill a legend". There are 3 possibilities:
1)      They fail. This is the desired outcome.
2)      They succeed. Tell the mortal that they failed the morality test. Then FOD them.
3)      They refuse to perform the task. Tell them "OK, well I'll do it instead." Then FOD them.

        And there we have it! Twelve practical ways to improve your relationship with mortals. If you follow these guidelines, you'll find yourself right up there with those old-timer wizzes who have have so many notches on their keyboard that they can saw wood with it.

        Richard the arch-wizard.

[Note to arch-wizzes: you can adapt most of the above rules to your own purposes, by replacing the word "mortal" with the word "wiz"]