[Special note: people who have found this page using a "Vampires"
keyword search from a search engine, or who have followed a link to it from
a vampire-related site, should read this first].
Vampires are evil creatures that bite people on the neck and
suck out all their blood.
Vampires are immensely strong, they have teeth like icicles,
and they usually wear a black cape even indoors.
Vampires live in old, spooky houses that you'd have to be
stupid to go anywhere near. Many people do just that, though.
Vampires sleep in coffins. Since coffins fit only one person,
few vampires are married.
Vampires do not like garlic. Fortunately for them, though,
blood tastes fine without it.
Vampires do not like running water. They never have a bath,
because they have to get a friend to fill it for them. They never ever have a
Vampires smell deathly.
Vampires do not like the sign of the cross. This makes addition
very hard for them.
Vampires enter their victims' houses by changing into a bat and
flying in through an open window. If no windows are open, they may
pretend to be bat-shaped envelopes and sneak in through the letter-box.
Vampires will die if they stand in the sun. Because of this, they
don't go on holiday very often.
As with most people, a vampire will die if you hammer a
wooden stake through its heart.
Vampires have no reflection - not even the upside-down one
you get when you look in a spoon. As they can't use a mirror, vampires
can never comb their hair properly, and it always ends up pointy at the
Vampires are always hundreds and hundreds of years old.
Since vampires are always old, they must need glasses so they
can see properly. Whenever they turn into a bat, their glasses will fall off.
Then, when they turn back, they won't be able to see to bite anyone.
You have nothing to fear from vampires.
Illustration by Roy Bartle
Image size: approx. 30K.